12th August 2020: Battle with Mental Health

I am not in a good place. I am never in a good place with my mental health as it is but the project is due on the 24th and now seems impossible with model and photographer cancellations. Alex Ron is one of my flatmates but is busy with his work so doesn’t have time to help me with my shoots, understandably: and my other flatmate is simply reluctant which is confusing me and quite frankly depressing me!

Time and organisation when it comes to workload has never been a strongpoint of mine. I am not quite sure why this is. Maybe it is simply a by-product of my consistently bad mental health. Maybe it is because I like to improvise because when I improvise is when I get my best ideas, and evidently take a less structured form to working. It is in times like this however that I highly regret this form of working. If I was more structured and organised from the START, I would be less depressed and stressed about having to re structure my time and think about shoots now. I would have more done, which would inevitably mean I would be in a better place. I also think about how this must affect the quality of my work. I know I can produce great work, and I want to be able to produce my best work for this project. I am now scared that I wont.

I have found that having the ICFP so hand in so close to the dissertation hand in has really tired me out. It really takes it out of you. I told myself I would be able to do both simultaneously but the workload of the dissertation really didn’t make this possible. This has also meant that the IFCP has been given less time to- with no one else to blame but myself!

I am aware of the fact that I need to be able to overcome my mental illnesses in order to succeed in work tasks and I am incredibly tense and paranoid. I am also aware of the fact I almost have to be applying for an extension if I want to successfully complete this project. I will be attending therapy if I am granted an extension as it will give me some time to do so which should definitely aid me throughout this stressful time.